ponedjeljak, 13. srpnja 2026.
Tired of their struggle with those who had opinions of their own, the authorities, wishing at last to rest on their laurels, once issued the following stringent order:— "Hereby you are commanded to drag out into the light of day all those who have opinions of their own, to drag them out unceremoniously from their hiding-places, and to exterminate them by any measures that may seem necessary." The execution of this order was entrusted to Oronty Strevenko, who had volunteered to exterminate living human beings of both sexes and of all ages. He was an ex-captain in the service of his Highness the King of the Fuegians, and an important personage in Terra del Fuego. For his services Oronty was allowed sixteen thousand roubles. Oronty obtained the commission not because others could not be found as base, but because he looked unnaturally fierce, and was covered with an abundant growth of hair, which enabled him to go naked in all climates. Besides, he had four rows of teeth, sixty-four in all, a circumstance that won for him the special confidence of the authorities. But in spite of all these advantages even he was confronted by the thought: "How are they to be unearthed? They keep so quiet." And in truth the inhabitants of this town were remarkably well trained. They went in fear of one another, seeing in everyone an agent-provocateur, and never asserted anything. Even in their talks with their mothers they spoke in a form agreed upon, and in a foreign language: "N'est ce pas?" "Maman, it is time to dine, n'est ce pas?'
"Maman, we ought to go to the cinema show to-night, n'est ce pas?"
However, after much thought, Strevenko devised a plan for unearthing secret plots. He washed his hair with peroxide of hydrogen, shaved himself where necessary, and became a fairhaired individual of gloomy appearance. Then he put on a sad-coloured suit so that no one could recognise him.
At night he went out into the street, and walked about as if deep in thought. Noticing a citizen stealing along, he pounced upon him from the left and whispered in a provocative manner:
"Comrade, are you really satisfied with your existence?"
The citizen slackened his pace, as if considering the question; but as soon as a policeman appeared in the distance he shouted in accordance with his invariable practice:
"Policeman, hold him."
Strevenko sprang over the fence like a tiger, and as he sat in the stinging nettles thought to himself:
"You cannot get hold of them like this; they act in a perfectly legal manner, the devils."
In the meantime the money allowed him was disappearing. He put on a less dismal-looking suit, and tried another way of trapping people. Boldly approaching a citizen he would ask him:
"Would you like to become an agent-provocateur, sir?"
And the citizen would reply coolly:
"What is the salary?"
Others declined politely:
"No, thank you, I am already engaged."
"Well," thought Oronty, "how am I to catch them?"
In the meantime the money allowed him was gradually melting away.
In the course of his search he looked in at the headquarters of the Society for the Many-Sided Use of Empty Egg-Shells, but discovered that the society enjoys the exalted patronage of three bishops, and of a general of gendarmerie; that it meets once a year and gets a special permit each time from St Petersburg. Oronty still failed to catch plotters and the money allowed him seemed to him to have galloping consumption.
Oronty was thoroughly annoyed:
"I'll soon show them!"
And he began to act quite openly. He would go up to a citizen and ask him straight out:
"Are you satisfied with your existence?"
"Quite satisfied."
"Well, but the authorities are dissatisfied. Please come along."
And if anyone said that he was not satisfied, the result was, of course, the same:
"Take him along!" said Strevenko.
"But, excuse me."
"What?"
"But I am dissatisfied because their measures are not sufficiently rigorous."
"Indeed? Take him."
Thus, in the course of three weeks, he had gathered together ten thousand men and women of one sort and another. At first he imprisoned them where he could; then he began to hang them; but for the sake of economy he did it at the expense of the citizens themselves.
Everything went very well till, one day, a superior official, who chanced to be out beagling in the outskirts of the town, saw unusual animation in the fields; a picture of the peaceful activity of citizens presented itself to him. They were reviling one another, hanging and burying one another, whilst Strevenko walked amongst them staff in hand, barking out words of encouragement:
"Hurry up, you melancholy owl, and be more cheerful about it! And you reverend-looking old man, there, why do you look so stupefied? The noose is ready; get into it; don't keep the others waiting. Whoa, lad; why do you get into the noose before your father? Gentlemen, don't be in such a hurry; your turn will come right enough. You have been patient for years, awaiting pacification by the Government; you can afford to wait a few minutes. You, peasant, where are you going? You ignoramus!"
The superior official, mounted on a handsome horse, looked on and thought:
"Anyway, he has got hold of a good many. He is a fine fellow! That is why all the windows in the town are boarded up."
But suddenly, to his utter astonishment, he saw his own aunt hanging by the neck, her feet dangling above the ground:
"Who gave the order?"
Strevenko was on the spot and said:
"I, your Excellency."
"Well, brother, you are a fool. You are simply wasting money belonging to the Treasury. Let me see your account."
Strevenko produced his account, wherein it was stated:
"In execution of the order concerning the extermination of those who have opinions of their own I have unearthed and imprisoned 10,107 persons of both sexes. Of this number:
"729 persons of both sexes have been killed; 541 persons of both sexes have been hanged; 937 persons of both sexes have been crippled for life; 317 persons of both sexes have died prematurely; 63 persons of both sexes have committed suicide; total number exterminated, 1876.
"Total Cost: Roubles 16,884—i.e. at the rate of 7 roubles per person.
"Deficit: Roubles 884."
The superior official, was staggered. He muttered in a fury:
"A deficit! You Fuegian! The whole of your Terra Del Fuego, together with the king and you yourself, is not worth eight hundred roubles. Just think of it! If you are going to steal money like that what am I to do?—I, who occupy a rank ten times higher? If we have such appetites Russia won't last us three years. There are many others besides you who want to live. Can't you understand that? And besides, you have wrongly included three hundred and eighty persons, for three hundred and seventeen 'died prematurely' and sixty-three committed suicide. You swindler, you have included them as well."
"Your Excellency," Oronty tried to justify himself, "but I drove them into such a state of mind that they loathed their life."
"And seven roubles a head for that? Besides, no doubt a lot of those included were not concerned in the matter at all. The total population of the town is only twelve thousand. No, my friend, I will bring you before the court."
A very strict investigation was accordingly made into the activity of the Fuegian, and he was found guilty of having misappropriated nine hundred and sixteen roubles belonging to the Treasury.
The court that tried Oronty was a just one; he was sentenced to three months' imprisonment, and his career was spoilt. The Fuegian was out of sight for three months.
It is no easy matter to please the authorities.
nedjelja, 12. srpnja 2026.
Once upon a time, in a certain country, lived some Jews. They were ordinary Jews, fit for pogroms, for being slandered, or any other state requirements. For example. Whenever the native population began to show signs of being dissatisfied with life, the authorities removed certain clauses from the state regulations and sounded the following hope-awakening call: "Draw near, you people; approach the seat of power." The people drew near; and the authorities began to remonstrate with them: "What is the cause of the agitation?" "Your Honours, we have nothing to eat." "Have you any teeth left?" "Yes, a few." "You see, you always manage to conceal something from the authorities." When the local authorities found that the agitation could be suppressed by knocking out the remaining teeth, they immediately resorted to that remedy. But if they saw that harmonious relations could not be established by this means they began to ask tempting questions: "What do you want?" "Some land." Some of them who were so deep sunken in ignorance that they were not able to understand what was in the interest of the state, went further and kept repeating:
"We want reforms of some kind in order that our teeth and ribs and insides, at least, may be regarded as our own property, and not be touched without cause."
The authorities reasoned with them:
"Oh, friends, why should you have these idle dreams? It is said that man liveth not by bread alone, also that one person that has been beaten is worth two that have not."
"And do they agree?"
"Who?"
"Those who have not been beaten?"
"Of course, dear friends. Did not the English ask us not very many years ago: 'Exile,' they said, 'all your own people to Siberia, and put us in their place. We,' they said, 'will pay the taxes punctually, and will drink twelve gallons of vodka per person per year, and, generally speaking..' 'No,' we said, 'why should we? Our people are all right, they are humble and obedient, they are not going to give us any trouble.' So now, you good fellows, instead of getting excited like this, don't you think you had better go and shake up the Jews a bit? What do you say to that? What else are they for?"
The people pondered and pondered; they saw that they could get no redress, so they decided to act upon the suggestion of the authorities.
"Well, fellows," they said, "with God's blessing we will smash them."
They ransacked fifty houses and killed a few Jews. But they soon tired of their labours, and, their desire for reforms being satisfied, everything went on as before.
Besides the authorities, the native population and the Jews, there lived some kind-hearted people in the state. Their function was to divert agitation into other channels and to quiet passions. After each pogrom their whole number came together, eighteen men in all, and sent forth to the world their written protest, thus:
"Although we know the Jews are Russian subjects, we are nevertheless convinced that they ought not to be utterly exterminated, and, therefore, taking all considerations into account, we hereby express our condemnation of this extreme persecution of living people. (Signed) High-Brow, Narrow-Chin, Long-Hair, Biting-Lip, Yea and Nay, Big Bellows, Joseph Three-Ear, Noisy-One, Know-All, Cyril Just-So, Flow-of-Words, Look-Wise, Quill-Driver, Lieutenant-Colonel (retired) Drink-no-Beer, Narym (solicitor), Busybody, On-All-Fours and Grisha In-the-Future, seven years old, a boy."
These protests appeared after each pogrom with the only difference that the age of Grisha kept changing and that Quill-Driver signed on behalf of Narym, who was suddenly exiled to a town bearing the same name.
Sometimes the provinces responded to these protests:
"We sympathise and add our signatures," Pull-Apart telegraphed from Sleepy-Town, and Featherbrain from Daft Town; Samogryzoff "and others" from Okuroff also joined in. It was clear to everybody that "the others" were an invention, to make the message look more formidable, for there were no others in Okuroff.
The Jews were greatly distressed when they read these protests, and on one occasion one of them, who was a very shrewd man, made the following proposal:—
"Do you know what? You don't? Well, let us hide all the pens and ink and paper before the next pogrom, and see what these eighteen people, including Grisha, will do then."
These Jews knew how to act together. Once decided, they bought up and hid all the paper and pens and poured all the ink into the Black Sea. Then they quietly awaited the result.
They had not long to wait: the necessary permission was received from the authorities, a pogrom took place, the hospitals were full of Jews—and the humanitarians were running about St Petersburg looking for pens and paper. They could find none anywhere except in the offices of the authorities. And the latter would not give them any.
"What do you take us for?" they said. "We know what you want it for. No, you must do without it this time."
"But how can we?" Mr Busybody entreated them.
"Well," they answered, "you ought to realise by now that we have given you plenty of chances to protest."
Grisha, who was already forty-three years old, cried:
"I want to protest."
But there was nothing to protest on. A happy thought struck Know-All:
"Shall we write something on the fence at least?"
There were no fences in St Petersburg, only iron railings.
But they proceeded to the outskirts of the town, where, near the slaughterhouses, they came upon an old fence. No sooner, however, had Mr High-Brow made the first letter in chalk than, suddenly, as if dropping from the skies came a policeman and began to expostulate with him:
"What does this mean? When boys do this sort of thing they are whipped, but you, staid gentlemen, what are you doing?"
Of course he could not understand them, taking them for writers old enough to be writing their thousand and first article. They were nonplussed, and, scattering literally in all directions, went home.
So that one pogrom was not protested against, and the humanitarians were deprived of a pleasure.
People who understand the psychology of races say rightly: "The Jews are a shrewd people."
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